A quick post before bed. So I got my haircut to about my mid back. Alan cut it and I must admit for a sister-less, hair cutting amateur, he did a great job. I tried to help him relate to work by telling it's just cutting cables; you mess up, and you're screwed. But really though, he did great.
Ever since my roommates left, we've settled into domestication quite well. But I have noticed that in regards to PDA, we're not a terribly affectionate couple. We don't hold hands in public, let alone kiss. I give him the occasional hug but we look more like friends hanging out than an engaged couple. Thing is I thing I like us that way. My parents were never openly affectionate with us kids growing up. I think the military may have harded them to their emotions a little so once they had kids, they didn't notice their standoffish-ness. I get a little repulsed when I see people smothering their kids/lovers in kisses and goo-goo talk. We have a fire for that man that peopel could never understand but, I don't think it's so important to show it off for others; I'm his and he's mine. This is fact.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
dearest, oh you're the nearest to my heart.
I've been out of myself lately. It's kinda creep when I feel like I'm watching myself do things instead of just doing them. I'm just feeling incredibly lazy lately. Hours are taking forever to pass, but when I want to savor something, it's over so quickly. I just can't feel to get comfortable, which explains to the lack of sleep but nothing else.
Eisley/Ben Folds/Buddy Holly have basically been my soundtrack the past few days. I've so on edge and wound up. Work is work. I hate it so much, having to work but I need money among other things so I push it down. But, I don't want to be fake about it. Kevin knows I don't him or my job so he pushes me constantly. It's like being in a failing marriage with him. We never see eye to eye but neither one of us wants to give up, we just want one of us to bend to the other's will. But I won't bend to Kevin, so he's fucked. I'm very blessed to even have a job, so I try not to complain; but with him, it's hard not to complain.
My first visit with Jeanne Yetz is a little over a month away. I'm extremely anxious to finally meet her. I imagine this what pregnancy must be like. You constantly talking to and about something you're not able to meet yet. I just want to get it over with. I've been trying to write down how I'm feeling every day like she said, I think she wants me to elaborate on what I mean when I say 'like shit'. Eh.
I NEED TO START THIS SLEEVE ALREADY!!!!
I'm hungry.
Eisley/Ben Folds/Buddy Holly have basically been my soundtrack the past few days. I've so on edge and wound up. Work is work. I hate it so much, having to work but I need money among other things so I push it down. But, I don't want to be fake about it. Kevin knows I don't him or my job so he pushes me constantly. It's like being in a failing marriage with him. We never see eye to eye but neither one of us wants to give up, we just want one of us to bend to the other's will. But I won't bend to Kevin, so he's fucked. I'm very blessed to even have a job, so I try not to complain; but with him, it's hard not to complain.
My first visit with Jeanne Yetz is a little over a month away. I'm extremely anxious to finally meet her. I imagine this what pregnancy must be like. You constantly talking to and about something you're not able to meet yet. I just want to get it over with. I've been trying to write down how I'm feeling every day like she said, I think she wants me to elaborate on what I mean when I say 'like shit'. Eh.
I NEED TO START THIS SLEEVE ALREADY!!!!
I'm hungry.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Friday, October 2, 2009
I miss my hair this length. I was thinking about cutting it. But eh, I don't know maybe just a good trim. I don't know. I'm rambling.
Anyway, so I've got a pretty bad cold and I feel just terrible. This is going to be an interesting week I can tell already. Today is Marcus' birthday party but I don't really get to have a too much fun because I have work early tomorrow morning. Why is it that as soon as my boss knows that I have plans after closing he schedules to work early the next day so I can't really let loose the way I want to? I can't stand this guy. But I bet you he'll have every Saturday off that Gators play and no one can say anything to him about him. What a tool.
Friday, September 25, 2009
happy in the haze of an drunken hour
"My relationship is the thing I'm proudest of in my life. I had a lot of opportunities to end up in some pretty bad situations and, despite all my faults, I had the sense to find someone like him and make the decision to be with him. You spend a lot of time wanting to be with the wrong person and I just feel incredibly lucky because I've succeeded at that one thing. I figured that out."
-Sarah Polley
For a while, I was beginning to think that my marriage to Alan (even though we aren't married just yet) wasn't going to work out. Both my mom and my dad have been married three times so it's hard to have any sort of faith in long-lasting relationship when you've never seen proof of one. We're doing everything we can to keep our relationship strong by communicating and and really listening to each other. It's hard at times because sometimes, we just don't see eye to eye. But as long as we realize that all we have is each other and that a deal is deal, our marriage will last our lives.
Moving on, my birthday was three days ago. Yup, I'm (after my friend Tytus) the oldest of all of my friends. The night was pretty great. We had beer, tacos and the most cutthroat game of Monopoly I've ever played. The night had its moments of drama but I wouldn't change it. I don't feel any different since turning twenty-three. But I must admit, the closer I get to twenty-five, the more anxiety I feel wondering if I'm ever going to get to accomplish the things I want. Where my life is going and who I am in the grand scheme of things. I promised myself i wouldn't have a quarter life crisis though. I can't afford a "go find myself" sabbatical. Maybe if we win the lotto, but if that happens, I'll just buy a Lambo.
-Sarah Polley
For a while, I was beginning to think that my marriage to Alan (even though we aren't married just yet) wasn't going to work out. Both my mom and my dad have been married three times so it's hard to have any sort of faith in long-lasting relationship when you've never seen proof of one. We're doing everything we can to keep our relationship strong by communicating and and really listening to each other. It's hard at times because sometimes, we just don't see eye to eye. But as long as we realize that all we have is each other and that a deal is deal, our marriage will last our lives.
Moving on, my birthday was three days ago. Yup, I'm (after my friend Tytus) the oldest of all of my friends. The night was pretty great. We had beer, tacos and the most cutthroat game of Monopoly I've ever played. The night had its moments of drama but I wouldn't change it. I don't feel any different since turning twenty-three. But I must admit, the closer I get to twenty-five, the more anxiety I feel wondering if I'm ever going to get to accomplish the things I want. Where my life is going and who I am in the grand scheme of things. I promised myself i wouldn't have a quarter life crisis though. I can't afford a "go find myself" sabbatical. Maybe if we win the lotto, but if that happens, I'll just buy a Lambo.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
the nightman cometh
i've been having britney spears attack today. i can't cannot stop listening to her. i'm addicted to heavy bass so maybe that's it.
i've been trying to put my birthday dinner outfit together and i think i may have found it. pics later.
i've been trying to put my birthday dinner outfit together and i think i may have found it. pics later.
Monday, September 14, 2009
I always…
* sleep on my side against the wall. this is fact.
* check my front door 2348823974 times just to make sure its locked.
* think i'm gonna get robbed.
* drool over really high heels but know i'll never wear them.
* buy apple pie ice cream expecting it to be as good as the real thing. it never is.
* try to eat every color in my suppers.
* love a good nap.
I sometimes…
* wish i knew my parents when they were young. it bet they'd be fun.
* get really nervous when my boss calls my name over the intercom.
* wonder what it would be like to be a boy, dog or other random thing.
* want to disappear forever.
* wish i was shorter with smaller feet.
* need my personal space.
I never…
* finish whole fruit.
* like looking at myself naked in the mirror or shower, it seems so... dirty.
* have the right comeback when the time is right.
* stick up for myself.
* seem to be able to find matching socks.
* wanting to stop learning, life stops being fun then.
I wish I still talked to Kerry. But it's best we don't.
* sleep on my side against the wall. this is fact.
* check my front door 2348823974 times just to make sure its locked.
* think i'm gonna get robbed.
* drool over really high heels but know i'll never wear them.
* buy apple pie ice cream expecting it to be as good as the real thing. it never is.
* try to eat every color in my suppers.
* love a good nap.
I sometimes…
* wish i knew my parents when they were young. it bet they'd be fun.
* get really nervous when my boss calls my name over the intercom.
* wonder what it would be like to be a boy, dog or other random thing.
* want to disappear forever.
* wish i was shorter with smaller feet.
* need my personal space.
I never…
* finish whole fruit.
* like looking at myself naked in the mirror or shower, it seems so... dirty.
* have the right comeback when the time is right.
* stick up for myself.
* seem to be able to find matching socks.
* wanting to stop learning, life stops being fun then.
I wish I still talked to Kerry. But it's best we don't.
Friday, September 11, 2009
so basically...
jake needs to go the vet something serious. i also gotta get him dog food. ugh, he's such a drain on my money but he's the cutest thing ever.
the wedding has pretty much been put on hold for right now. alan seems to have no idea when we'll be able to live together (by his own admission) since he's a broke ass. every place i find that i'll admit, isn't the best of best but is afforable, alan doesn't like. i try and tell him that it's better than nothing but there's no convincing him.
the diet isn't going as great as i planned. i know that produce is expensive but my goodness! there's no way in hell i'm going to be able to keep up with this. i can't cook everyday since my hours are so erratic that i'm never during dinner time or even real waking human hours, so it's hard. but nothing worth having comes easy, as they say.
lately i've been feeling very overwhelmed. i'm in debt, buying basic essentials is causing me to panic, i took on the responsibility of a car THAT I CAN'T EVEN DRIVE, the patch of hair that burnt off the fire still hasn't grown back... it's just a disaster. we're going to need to call exterminators for the roaches in the house but it doesn't even make sense to considering everyone is constantly leaving food and dirty dishes out. work is terrible. i'm a a breaking point. i never should have quit my job at the daycare. i miss those kids so much and i needed the extra money even of it was only 300 extra a month. i could have paid two bills with that extra money!
where's my head at, these days.
the wedding has pretty much been put on hold for right now. alan seems to have no idea when we'll be able to live together (by his own admission) since he's a broke ass. every place i find that i'll admit, isn't the best of best but is afforable, alan doesn't like. i try and tell him that it's better than nothing but there's no convincing him.
the diet isn't going as great as i planned. i know that produce is expensive but my goodness! there's no way in hell i'm going to be able to keep up with this. i can't cook everyday since my hours are so erratic that i'm never during dinner time or even real waking human hours, so it's hard. but nothing worth having comes easy, as they say.
lately i've been feeling very overwhelmed. i'm in debt, buying basic essentials is causing me to panic, i took on the responsibility of a car THAT I CAN'T EVEN DRIVE, the patch of hair that burnt off the fire still hasn't grown back... it's just a disaster. we're going to need to call exterminators for the roaches in the house but it doesn't even make sense to considering everyone is constantly leaving food and dirty dishes out. work is terrible. i'm a a breaking point. i never should have quit my job at the daycare. i miss those kids so much and i needed the extra money even of it was only 300 extra a month. i could have paid two bills with that extra money!
where's my head at, these days.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
pulled pork, IKEA, and the wedding: the saga continues.
Last night at work about six or seven people came in and bought meat for pulled pork. So I figured it was a sign and decided to make some for Alan since he's basically obsessed with the stuff. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but smells wonderful. Alan gave it the taste test and I'm as happy as a pig in shit. I don't know how I fell about cooking meat since, well, I don't eat it but he does it just another thing we have to make work in our life together.
Just like my love for all things IKEA. I finally got to visit the furniture mecca on Saturday with ym lovely friend, Jessica. I think I giggled incessantly the whole ride there so she turned up the Pixies to drown me out. After the seemingly never ending torrential rains and mass confusion of that happens when you drive into Broward and Miami-Dade, we made it. I'm telling you I hope I'm this excited on my wedding day. I LOVED IT!! I lost Jessica a few times but it was so much fun. They have little mock houses in there and me and her picked our out and sat in kitchen and talked like it was really one of our houses. Of course with the exception of people walking through. One thing I did notice was 98% of the people shopping there that day were Spanish of some kind. Yet another sign you know you're in Miami.
Wedding planning has been going... okay. We decided to push the wedding up which has caused full on wide scale panic amongst friends and family. My sister doesn't know if she's coming now because they already put in leave for the first date, I'm too afraid to tell my mom; the whole thing is sheer craziness.
Just like my love for all things IKEA. I finally got to visit the furniture mecca on Saturday with ym lovely friend, Jessica. I think I giggled incessantly the whole ride there so she turned up the Pixies to drown me out. After the seemingly never ending torrential rains and mass confusion of that happens when you drive into Broward and Miami-Dade, we made it. I'm telling you I hope I'm this excited on my wedding day. I LOVED IT!! I lost Jessica a few times but it was so much fun. They have little mock houses in there and me and her picked our out and sat in kitchen and talked like it was really one of our houses. Of course with the exception of people walking through. One thing I did notice was 98% of the people shopping there that day were Spanish of some kind. Yet another sign you know you're in Miami.
Wedding planning has been going... okay. We decided to push the wedding up which has caused full on wide scale panic amongst friends and family. My sister doesn't know if she's coming now because they already put in leave for the first date, I'm too afraid to tell my mom; the whole thing is sheer craziness.
Friday, August 28, 2009
i honestly don't know where i'm going in life anymore. i'm stuck at a job that i don't like but i have to continue working there even though i'd much rather not work to focus on school. i want to get married but we can't afford to move in together yet and how dumb would it look to not be living with my husband? i just want alan and i to be able to live the way we dream to. we both want to go to school and live together. we can't even have that. it's so frustrating.
i had a dream last night that i won the lottery and spent MILLIONS on books and bookshelves. i lived in this tiny cottage apartment and had every wall covered in books and bookshelves. i just sat around and read books all day long. it was perfect. i still hold out hope on eventually going to school to be a librarian. i'll be a professional student for a living. just filling my brain with knowledge.
i really hope these people from sanrio call me back. i want to quit...
i had a dream last night that i won the lottery and spent MILLIONS on books and bookshelves. i lived in this tiny cottage apartment and had every wall covered in books and bookshelves. i just sat around and read books all day long. it was perfect. i still hold out hope on eventually going to school to be a librarian. i'll be a professional student for a living. just filling my brain with knowledge.
i really hope these people from sanrio call me back. i want to quit...
Thursday, August 27, 2009
i've become pretty disenchanted with a lot of my friends lately. the days that i have off from work everyone never calls me back. i'm tired of having friends who only want to hang out wit you when its convenient for them. and when we do "hang out" , it's just me following them around while they run errands. i'm over it. i hate having friends that don't to hang out.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
foward to the future
today alan had to go home. it's gut wrenching for me when he has to go. i wanted him to stay so badly but we both knew he couldn't. my roommates can't be trusted, there a bunch of catty girls. i joked with alan about "going underground"; getting a hot plate and mini fridge so i don't have to hear anymore shit about the kitchen i barely use. i'm giving it some serious thought.
so chubby got a name change last night. i decided that his name is jacob. i love the name jacob, it means supplanter which is basically to take the place of something. he's taken the place of my last dog peanut and refilled my heat with love. i've been calling him jake, i think it suits him.
i need a camera.
so chubby got a name change last night. i decided that his name is jacob. i love the name jacob, it means supplanter which is basically to take the place of something. he's taken the place of my last dog peanut and refilled my heat with love. i've been calling him jake, i think it suits him.
i need a camera.
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